My tribute for Ashok jija...

It is hard to sum up 77 years of existence of Ashok Gandhi into a few lines. On his demise, his oldest son, Rajat said, “We are not going to mourn his departure; instead we should celebrate his life and existence”. Ashok Gandhi’s life had many dimensions - serving as a squadron leader in the Indian Air Force, maintaining a large circle of friends made during postings to different parts of the country, supporting his wife devotedly in her long period of sickness, raising three wonderful sons, enjoying his sunset years with his loving family. Above all, he was a wonderful human being. His second son, Parakh, correctly said he donned all these hats beautifully and left behind a lasting legacy. His life wasn’t easy but through hardships and struggle, he still emerged with a message of imbibing the right values in his children, as pointed out by his youngest son Anuj. Anuj along with his wife Shria, are now trying to teach these same values to their children. His daughter in law, Juhee, observed that despite his age, his spirit was never wanting and he was a good sport ever ready for fun be it movies, late night parties or trying out a new restaurant. She felt that she had lost her best friend and hoped they could have had some more years together. His other daughter in law, Ayesha, feels his place is hard to fill. He was a complete family man and a doting and proud grandfather.  

He played a major role in my life, especially in my childhood years. My parents fondly referred to him as Ashok Jija ji. As you would know the term Jija denotes sister’s husband. As a child, in my attempt to copy my parents, I started calling him Ashok Jija. My younger sister, Prarthna soon followed suit. Ashok Jija used to joke with us that you are my youngest salis (sisters-in-law). Today, even my five year old son calls him Ashok Jija and my year-old niece was next in line to address him by that name.

When I was born, he used to lift me in a different way to elongate my neck. He often jested that that was his contribution to my appearance. When my younger sister was little he had met with an accident and could not do the same. Later he was relieved to learn that she anyway had a long neck and did not need this intervention.  

When we lost my grandmother, Shiela mummy, about 30 months back, I went up to Ashok Jija and said, “You are now the oldest member of our family.” He smiled and asked whether I meant he is therefore, next in line to pass on. I told him it just means that he would now have the added responsibility of showering even more blessings on us to compensate for those who are no longer with the family. 

My last conversation with him was just a few weeks back. It was a happy moment for me since I had just learnt that my husband, Ashwin had got best-in-class increment. Ashwin, being a very private person seldom spoke about his success. But he was happy I shared this news with Ashok Jija and got his blessings.

You shall be dearly missed Ashok Jija but we are going to cherish the wonderful memories that you are leaving behind! As is said – “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure!”

Being a Jagga Jasoos Dad!

Being a “Jagga Jasoos” Dad!

Recently, I watched the Bollywood musical – ‘Jagga Jasoos’. Notwithstanding mixed reviews on the performances by actors, plot, dialogues, length of the movie and the number of songs, my takeaway was the father-son relationship and the lessons it has for us -

1. Every child is gifted, they just unwrap their gifts at different times. Jagga’s father instilled in him the confidence to pursue his passion of becoming a detective.

2. One need not stay quiet just because of a stammer. Jagga’s father suggested singing as an alternative way to communicating.

3. Parenting is not limited to physical presence. Jagga’s father could not stay with him, yet taught him many life skills and imparted his wisdom through a video tape recording every year on Jagga’s birthday. 

Katrina Kaif’s dialogue roughly translated conveys the powerful message “Living apart, Jagga’s father taught him many things that a father living under the same roof can’t.”

This movie set me thinking on the importance of a father’s role in a child’s life. While growing up, my father played a less active role than my mother. However, he used to make it a point to take us for eating out every weekend (it was not as common then as it is nowadays) and spend time on family vacations multiple times a year. In today’s world where both parents share equal responsibilities and there is greater overlapping between traditional gender roles it’s important to acknowledge the roles played by both parents. It takes two to bring up a child in a wholesome manner. While the role of a mother can never be replaced, a father plays an equally relevant part, and this begins from the day the child is born and continues through.

My husband has been involved fully with our baby, stayed up with me at nights, bottle-fed the baby when needed, probably changed more diapers than I did. Initially when I was scared to bathe our little infant, he stepped in and did so without a blink. Even today, despite a demanding job, he takes out time to engage with our five year old son. They spend time together playing Lego, reading books or simply making up (silly) games of their own. He does this happily and not as a favour to me. My son in turn is very happy with his daddy time. I see the closeness my son shares with his father. It makes me realize that like all relationships, a parent-child relationship requires hard work, emotional commitment, time and energy. We don’t become parents only by having a child; we become parents when we make a difference to our children’s lives by being there for them, engaging with them and playing a part in their lives.

When I struggled to teach my son good habits by repeating them softly, then sternly but to no avail, I entrusted the task to my husband. He made a catchy jingle to prompt my son to wash his hands. My son who has a flair for music quickly caught on and did as instructed, while singing -

“After u Pee and poop, you have to flush,

For sparkling teeth, use the tooth brush,

Then rinse, use soap and scrub,

Rub – a – dub – dub!!!”

Kids learn what we teach but more of what we don’t teach. My son often follows his father around and imitates him. This includes things like washing his face and feet when he returns from outdoors or frequently wiping his hands clean or brushing after meals. Making games out of some of these things have helped habituate him in a fun, interesting and engaging way. Ironically, on days when my husband forgets any practice, he is cheerfully reminded of the omission by our son. It also provides an opportunity for the child to question and understand the reasons why his dad insists on some things. Our child therefore, is growing up to be trusting, confident and healthy.

Children are very gifted. They are like sponges and absorb everything they see, hear or listen. If we are able to lead by example, they will pick up instantly and run with it. Practice will only make it more perfect.

A visit to Dubai - the city that has it all!

Summer vacations begin and with that the excitement to plan a vacation with your child. We have a 5 year old son who shares our love for travel. This year we chose to visit Dubai. It’s known to be a child friendly destination and we also have some family there making it worthwhile to visit.

We planned a trip for 10 days so it is not too hectic or rushed. The way we planned our itinerary was to have a mix of activities for our son and us. Dubai seems to have everything and if it does not have it, they seem to be building it. So there were many things to do. Here are the activities that we did in Dubai with our 5 year old son -

1.     Malls

Dubai is known for its malls and they have set it up such that there are many activities to engage even the kids within the mall itself. So we were able to shop, eat in the food courts (which are way better than India) or other speciality restaurants and engage our son in a play zone - all under the same roof. This was a good option during the day time to escape the intense heat.

We started our exploration by visiting Underwater Aquarium in Dubai mall. It was particularly fascinating to see the vivid splash of colours and the size and shapes of various under-sea animals. Our son was happy to get clicked with many of them. We also visited the Magic planet in Mall of emirates and Fun city in Ibn Battuta mall for fun games and play zones for our son.

2.     Global Village

We visited Global Village which was an open area with sections dedicated to different countries where you could taste dishes local to that country and buy items famous there. This place had a lot of street food and we enjoyed sampling it. It was a unique experience though slightly hot with the massive crowd and open air arrangement. 

3.     Lego Land

Dubai is also known for its adventure and theme parks. But the point to keep in mind is that there is a height criterion for most rides. We explored all the parks and scrutinized the criterion for majority of the rides. This narrowed down our options considerably and we finally picked Lego Land theme park where he was allowed on all barring a couple of rides. His passion for Lego made our choice that much easier. Lego Land was great fun – not just for him but us as well. We were allowed to accompany him on the rides and enjoyed the experience. We became a child again seeing our son enjoy.

In particular we loved flying the plane, saving a burning building in our fire truck, dodging water on wave racers and pedalling our way up and down the flying machines. Our son was fascinated to see how the Lego bricks are made and thrilled to get a brick with his name embossed on it. However, he spent maximum time doing what he loves the most – lost in the world of Lego blocks – building his own creations!

4.     Desert safari 

Desert safari was a unique experience for us and our son says it was the most enjoyable part of the trip. He was giggling away as the land cruiser engaged in dune bashing. He enjoyed rolling on the desert sand and chasing the shadows therein. We also got to watch some interesting shows including a belly dancer, a fire eater and a juggler along with authentic middle-eastern dinner. Camel ride was fun for our son.  

5.     Others

We went to the Abu Dhabi Mosque which is a short drive from Dubai. It was an architectural marvel with cool marble flooring and marvellous chandeliers. Like most religious places, one felt at peace in such surrounding.

We visited the landmark buildings of Dubai – Burj khalifa, Burj Al Arab and Atlantis. The musical fountains were a delight to watch and our son watched with awe the water dance. The souks offered a variety of souvenirs, spices, dates to take back home. We soaked in the experience of Dubai city strolling down the souk one evening. 

We enjoyed a hearty dinner at Al Qasr hotel where we had to take a boat to reach the restaurant. An evening walk on the Marina was refreshing and nice.  We tried many authentic restaurants offering middle-eastern food and flavours. Pappa roti which offers a coffee flavoured bun with your choice of sweet or savoury toppings along with coffee is highly recommended. JBR place gave the feel of hanging around boardwalk in USA. 

A few tips that I would give to parents traveling to Dubai are-

o    Acknowledge that it is extremely hot and save yourself from the sun exposure in every way. Ensure you stay hydrated and carry plenty of water with you every time you step out. Also, try to avoid going out in peak sun time (11am to 3pm).

o    There is considerable amount of walking involved everywhere – huge malls, adventure parks etc so wear comfortable shoes and carry a stroller if your child is not used to walking.

o    Carry summer clothes for the trip but also pack a light jacket especially for your child as night time can get fairly cool. Sunglasses and cap are a must in the strong sun rays. Also, clothing is conservative in that part of the world so respect and abide by that.

Overall, Dubai is a fantastic place with lots of fun activities to engage in. We created many wonderful memories there with our son, to cherish forever.

It happened one night (Short Story)

It happened one night…

Year 2015
Nina held her little girl in her arms feeling like the happiest person on earth. Holding her baby, she could feel love coursing through her veins. Not only was her daughter born but a mother too was born today. Nina’s own mother was sitting next to her in the car while her Dad was driving them home. She looked at the proud grandfather in him. Things indeed had transformed. As the car moved, Nina could almost see her past playing itself out in the sights outside.

Nina thought back to her wedding day almost 5 years back. How hard it was to take that decision. The memory of that night still made her shiver.

Year 2010

It was Nina's wedding day. Her parents had brought together a beautiful wedding for her. It was an arranged marriage but Nina had met the guy once. She had taken an instant liking to him. He was shy and reserved like her. They shared their passion for books and went on talking about them for hours. The family had taken that as a very positive sign and fixed up a marriage date. Nina was happy to leave her parent’s house. She couldn’t bear the thought of being in that house any longer. She wanted to get out. Away from it all.

She entered her husband's house. There were some welcome the bride ceremonies and her husband was pulled away by his friends for a drinking after party. Nina was shown to their room where she waited for him. Soon he came. Stinking of alcohol. Slurring. Unsteady. He came very close to Nina. She cringed at the smell but put it aside trying to soak in the romance she had seen in movies. It was the first time she would feel a man’s touch. She waited a few moments holding her breath and she felt a hard slap across her face. She had a rush of emotions- the sting of the foreign hand, the welling up of tears in her eyes, the droplets straining down her made up face. She lay still trying to understand it. Nina stared at her new husband only to realise he barely knew what he just did. He was muttering away "Your father promised a bigger car and all I got was this small one. My friends are making fun of me outside!"

Her own home flashed back to Nina. Memories she had thought she had left far behind after getting married. Things she did not want to think about at all. Nina had thought in a new place she would get away from it all but not so soon. This climax was contrary to all that she imagined.

Year 2000

Every evening after Nina’s dad returns from work she makes some excuse to go out and then returns only in time for dinner, grabs a quick bite and locks herself up in her room pretending to do homework. Mostly she goes to Tarun’s house in the evening. Tarun tried asking her many times what bothers her but she just shrugs and unconvincingly says “Nothing.” He could see the sadness in her eyes. He also knew she was brave and fearless. One day while returning from school, some boys started teasing Nina and her friends. Nina went and hit them. She threw some hard punches and injured their faces. Tarun and other friends joined in too and taught those nasty boys a good lesson. They all admired Nina for her courage to initiate it. Especially Tarun who enjoyed her company and thought to himself that one day she would open up to him about what bothers her. She barely spoke about her parents though they seemed so warm, cheerful and welcoming! Her mom made the tastiest snacks when their gang went to Nina’s house and dad told the most interesting stories.

But Nina was living in hell. Ever since she could remember, her father used to get drunk and verbally abuse her mother. Some days he would raise his hand, shoes, belt or anything he could lay his hands on. Nina had been seeing this for years. Terror at first. Anger and resentment after that. A feeling of vengeance for some time. But resignation and indifference now. She had often asked her mother why she continued to live with this man but her mother used to say, “Just because of you! He is a wonderful father to you and feeds our family well. He is a good person at heart and it’s just the alcohol talking at night. All day he is a wonderful man.”  Nina tried to argue that the first time he raised his hand her mother should have retaliated or walked away from the relationship but her mom just kept quiet. All these years Nina had witnessed the atrocities her dad bestowed on her mom. Locking herself in her room but unable to drown the loud noises, shrieks and shouting. She had a brave exterior for the world but could never stand up to her own father and stop him. She prayed to God for that strength but every time stopped out of love and respect and the fact that he was a wonderful father to her.

On some days she was so tempted to vent it all out to Tarun. To have a shoulder to cry on. A friend to confide in but she was stopped by the loss of family honour that was sure to follow. What would others think? Neighbours would whisper. No! She could not face that. So, she bore it all alone. Hoping her marriage would free her from it.

But would it all start over with only the characters changing?

Year 2010

Now, on her wedding night, Nina thought how easy it was to give advice to others and how tough it is to follow. Nina’s husband passed out within moments and she sat there thinking. Nina could have never imagined that her man would turn out to be like this.

The next morning when he woke up, there was no remorse. Nina thought maybe he didn't register the events of the last night. So she started saying "Do you know yesterday..." before she could finish he interrupted her and said "Yes, I know what happened" and walked off to freshen up. Nina gave him a few minutes to see if he would apologise but he did not. He went about as if nothing had happened. That moment Nina knew what she had to do. She went out to talk to her new family. They tried their best to justify his behaviour and blame it on the alcohol. But Nina remained unconvinced. She thought what had happened once can recur and most importantly, the perpetrator had no feelings of regret. It was as if she were his property to be treated as he fancied. She left without saying another word to her husband of one night. She picked up all the clothes and jewellery her parents had given. She picked up the car keys her dad had gifted her husband and walked out. 

When she reached her parent’s house they were confused and surprised to receive her so early that day. When they looked at her they knew something was wrong. To her Dad’s questions, Nina looked straight in his eyes, fearlessly and strongly, and said "He slapped me and I cannot stay married to him". Her dad lowered his eyes and was silent.

Back to Year 2015

But today was about her precious little girl. Nina is naming her Nirbhaya. She will raise her to be brave standing up to what she believes in. She will prepare her for everything life throws at her. Nina is not closed to the idea of giving her a father someday but he has to love her as much as she does. He could be Tarun, her childhood friend, who is still single and expressed his desire to marry her. It came as a surprise to Nina who had no idea he liked her but he said he hesitated to admit his feelings earlier. Nina has asked for some time and is considering the proposal.

The day Nina returned from her marital home and told her dad what had happened, he swore never to touch alcohol again making her mom the happiest. Nina continued staying with them and found a good job. She feels a sense of completeness holding Nirbhaya.

Today Nina is an inspiration to many. When Nina opened up about what led to her divorce she only had one message for others - You have to tell somebody about what is going on and not bear it alone. You can't be embarrassed or ashamed about it. It takes courage to stand up and one should muster up all of it in such times. She also learnt that like her, many of her friends and family were victims of domestic abuse – physical, verbal and emotional. Nina’s story had encouraged them to put a stop to this.

Nina is not bitter. She hasn’t lost her faith in institutions like marriage, family etc. She has vowed she will not shape Nirbhaya’s beliefs based on her experiences. Nina also understands that things change, people change and tough situations bring out the true character in people. She wants people to realize that raising a brave, strong woman is the greatest favour a society can do itself. The power of women to give back is beyond doubt for she will always make anything greater- a sperm into a baby, a house into a home, groceries into a meal and love into devotion.

Different kinds of soul mates in our life...

“Soul mate” the term is such a cliché and sounds fairly outdated in today’s world where relationships change so fast. I don’t believe in having one soul mate for life. I'm of the school of thought that we have multiple soul mates in our lifetime - a different one to cover a specific need. Some may even come to satisfy a particular purpose and be temporary. The reason we are drawn to someone is that they mirror us in some way, at that point in time and remind us of ourselves in some aspect. If two people were identical then one would be unnecessary. Hence I feel different individuals may be similar to us in different aspects of our personality. We can have different kinds of relationships with each.

When I was growing up, I spent time with my younger sister. While she was born 3.5 years after me – like typical sisters we had our own share of experiences. When she was born I felt insecure, having to share everything with a new person. When she became a toddler I was very fond of her. She was my little toy to play with. While playing with friends, I often protected her. But we got close only when we were a little older – I twelve and she nine. We took a trip together without our parents to visit cousins. In the interactions with them, we immediately sided up with each other and constantly craved each other’s company. That’s when it actually dawned on us that we are siblings and friends for life. We used to talk for hours, making our parents wonder what topics we had to discuss every day! We shared everything from cosmetics and food to our secret crushes. We are still the same. Both of us are now mothers but continue to have our share of discords, arguments and then apologies. Thankfully, our relationship is still the same even with our husbands and kids entering the equation and we hope to keep it this way.

This kind of soul companion, as I call it, is usually a family member or a friend who is like family. With this soul companion you can talk about anything and everything and share an equation unlike any other. These relationships feel easy and comfortable. These relationships can be carefree, but they also shape us. They teach us to trust and believe in ourselves. In this dynamic, both people feel comfortable telling each other anything. Nothing is off limits. You are accepted for who you are. These are the people who help you grow into the person you are meant to be. These people always have your best interests at heart and will stop at nothing when asked to help you accomplish your dreams. These people come in and out of your life when you need to be directed. They help bring you back to your inner desires and reconnect you with your abilities.

Your other soul mates can possibly get threatened by this relationship and so you need to explain and handle it delicately. This person is often there to stay forever occupying an important place in your life that no one else can take. You will probably be together forever — no matter how much time passes or how far apart you are geographically.

When I grew up and went for my post-graduation, I fell in love with a boy and got married. While the realization of him being my ‘soul mate’ didn’t come to me immediately, over time I realize he’s the one. For me, soul romance has meant finding the “right” person who is always by my side. Someone who loves me when I deserve it the least for he knows that’s when I need it the most. Someone who shares my dreams and allows me to fly. Someone with whom I can be myself without being judged. Someone who still looks at me and remembers the first time he saw me. It’s difficult to say this soul mate pre-existed. I rather think, this soul mate is a fruit of labour- long years of caring for and nurturing our relationship, working hard at it, spending time understanding our weaknesses, working through our differences, respecting each other’s individuality yet presenting our combined strength as the face of our marriage.

This kind of soul romance is as per the most conventional definition of soul mate. This is the soul mate that every one of us desires to have and spend the rest of our days on earth together. These people encompass all the others. There is a feeling of having known them for an entire lifetime, moments after meeting them. There is an intense bond and connection that never goes away, the deep friendship, and the extraordinary, enchanted, deep-seated love. They provide romance, love and stand by you forever. You think alike, finish each other’s sentences, make collective decisions and naturally do things as a pair. Relating to this person feels natural and easy. You can probably easily communicate even without words. This relationship transcends the ego. You get a sense of wholeness from this relationship and will most likely enjoy this relationship for the rest of your lives. 

The last category of soul mates includes people who arrive with some intention and provide you with life lessons. They show up by “divine timing” — exactly when you most need to learn what they have to teach. For me the soul buddies are my close friends who remain in my life even if we do not get a chance to meet or talk as regularly. They are always there when I need them, understand me and are strong pillars of support. I need their presence to vent out at times or just to let my hair down. They help me relax and get out of the mundane routine activities.

These people help us learn how to move forward. You can spend hours together without getting bored. They are usually temporary in terms of the roles they play. While they may stay in your life, their importance changes over time and they may move from the inner circle to the periphery. They usually arrive with a specific intention, are non-judgemental and with you in that time of need. The bond is strongest when your purposes are aligned even though the relationship continues beyond.

So these are my soul mates that will most likely last for a lifetime. One may not have just one soul mate for life. Instead these different kinds may be present and co-exist. Can you identify who fits these categories for you?

Punjabi Tamil cocktail

Our story is straight out of the Bollywood movies – “Chennai express” and "2 States" (though in the reverse). I am a Punjabi girl married to a Tamilian boy. However, unlike these movies, convincing our families was not a hard task and both sides readily agreed to go ahead with our alliance.

The wedding preparations brought out stark cultural differences. My husband, hailing from Tamilian Brahmin roots, strictly said no for non-vegetarian food, dance and drinks on the wedding day for the sake of conservative elders in his family. They had agreed to have the wedding ceremony in Punjabi style. Many in his family were looking forward to the great Punjabi wedding which does not start early in the morning like Tamilian weddings but promises to go on till the wee hours of dawn. Any true Punjabi can spontaneously dance and they just need an excuse to party.  Weddings provide a perfect opportunity to celebrate. So we had already decided to have a 3-D’s (Dance, dinner and drinks) Cocktail party before the wedding day.

The groom's side had requested for the wedding in pleasant weather and not peak winter time in Delhi, so that their relatives would be comfortable. Hence we fixed our wedding for February expecting it to be neither too cold that the Chennaites are stuck indoors, nor too hot the Punjabi brethren can’t enjoy their dancing. However, that year, especially on our Cocktail day there was a chilly breeze blowing which made it extremely cold. On one side my husband’s uncles were sitting before the heaters with shawls wrapped around their heads, drinking hot soup to keep them warm. While on the other side my cousins were walking around in backless and halter blouses with their saris, completely unaffected by the cold.

The cocktail scene was completely unexpected. Scotch and wine was pouring out and half of the groom’s side also had a glass in their hands. They had come up with this way of beating the cold and mingling with the Punjabi “spirit” of partying. The DJ was playing typical Bollywood music (Om shanti Om and Jab we met tracks were popular then) and whole of groom’s side was on the dance floor. In Punjabi weddings, it doesn’t matter what the lyrics of songs are; it only matters that the music is on high volume. But the Tamilians, fans of melodious Carnatic music, were all swooning away to these loud tracks. My husband himself was surprised to see that his family liked to dance but was not given such an opportunity before. My friends and family barely got a chance to get on the dance floor, but well, they were happily swaying to the music wherever they were standing.

The groom’s side, inspired by Bollywood movies (the likes of Hum saath saath hai), had prepared elaborate performances for the Punjabi sangeet event. True to their upbringing, they had meticulously planned and prepared detailed introductions of all their family members with a song dedicated to each person. In contrast, we had just prepared a series of dance performances by all family members where the motive was just to dance. In fact, my cousins warned us earlier, that we will come on stage when we called them for their turn but leave the stage only when they want to.

The next day was the wedding. Reception of Baraat was given as 7pm on the wedding invites and I had told my husband to come by 7:30pm. In Punjabi weddings Baraats are known to reach an hour or two after the given time due to last minute delays, dancing time in the procession or simply to make a grand late entry. However, on my wedding, at 6:45pm, while my dad and uncles were looking at last minute arrangements at the venue, my mom and aunts and cousins were on the way to reach the venue, the Baraat arrived!!! You can imagine the hustle-bustle that ensued with the Baraat arriving for a Punjabi wedding, not just on time, but before time. One of their cars had got lost on the way and they decided to wait for it and come together otherwise, they would have been even earlier. My husband later told me that, on the preceding day of the cocktail, they had got slightly late and a family conference had been held therefore to ensure everyone “reported” on time for the wedding day.

The contrast in dressing styles was evident. Punjabi side clad in pretty vibrant colours in different shades, dressed up as if it’s their own wedding, adorning their best polki and diamond sets, with perfect hair and make-up in place. Other side in simpler yet elegant kanjeevaram silks with gold temple jewellery, big bindis and minimal make-up. Infact, while Punjabi women were wearing such varied shades that men may not even know names of (coral, crimson, teal and what not), some women on the groom’s side ended up wearing the same shade of blue saris almost seeming as if they were following a pre-decided dress code for the wedding.

It has been almost 9 years since our marriage and our caste differences have rarely come in the way of bliss. I am yet to learn how to make the perfect sambhar. He looks forward to Punjabi gatherings where he can chill out. I still need my spoon to eat rice. He is yet to develop a taste for makki di roti and sarsaon da saag. He calls the shots when we have to attend official events, but I decide the time to go for other parties. Much like the differences in our personalities, we have very different approaches to parenting our 4 year old son. My husband disciplines him by being stricter, whereas I am more patient trying to explain why we were not letting him do something. The punch, twists and sweetness of this cocktail of differences ensures a “great marriage high”.

India, lets ‘Make it a better place for you and for me’.

The last few weeks have been harrowing for parents, teachers and families with a number of tragic incidents involving children occurring all over the country.

I am deeply saddened by this news related to young innocent kids who don't even understand what's happening to them. The prospect of something like this happening to my own 5 year old son or my nieces/nephews or my friend’s children sends shivers down my spine. Indeed none of us are immune and it could happen anywhere, anytime and to anyone.  I wonder what drives these depraved souls to attack young children. This must definitely be an unforgivable offense and the guilty should be brought to justice swiftly.

When I look around, there seems to be an outpouring of social unrest. A large part of this is often attributed to the less privileged sections of society. Poverty, inequality, lack of access, discrimination impact social cohesion and manifests itself in extreme human behaviour. Perhaps a slap on the face of progress! When measured economically, India (& indeed the world) is growing but so is the gap between the rich and the poor, the haves and have-nots. On average, the richest 10% of population now earn almost 10 times more than the poorest 10%, up from 7 times in the mid-1980s. But that is only one dimension. The policy holders need to address this but in the meantime is there something we can improve in our daily social behaviour that can foster change?

An answer may lie in ever day acts of gratitude and treatment of equality. We can all contribute – by little gestures of kindness to those touching our lives every day, providing livelihood platforms to giving our domestic help the joy of an air flight ride! We can start with simple acknowledgment - Good morning to the building watchman, thank you to the school guard, smile to the school bus lady, offering tea/food to maids and so on. In addition, giving them a little extra help will not make a difference to us but fuel growth of that section substantially. Funding their children’s education or volunteering to teach their children may help uplift them. It gives a very satisfying feeling to be able to do anything for another person and is very powerful in bringing about a change we may want to see in this world. While these changes in our behaviours alone may not guarantee solutions to the larger inequalities existing in our world and the attitudes it engenders, it could be a small step towards embracing the less privileged and making them feel wanted.

Penning down these thoughts is a relief. I started my bit by offering fresh home-made nimbu pani to my part timer and a small cash reward to my full timer for her cleaning spree today. It proves that any regular day can be made beautiful if a little bit of kindness and appreciation touches it! As Mother Theresa once said, “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters and create many ripples.”

Married yet living apart?

Nine years ago, when my husband and I got married, we had work places in the same city – Gurgaon. We found a house and continued there together. After 4 years of marriage, when we got pregnant, I quit to enjoy a new phase of motherhood. In a couple of years, my husband had to relocate to Chennai as part of his job and we contemplated the move. We felt staying apart was not ideal since both of us enjoyed and cherished the companionship we had. Additionally, our toddler needed both his parents while growing up. Hence, we decided to move together.

After marriage, my husband and I have not had to spend any time apart, besides short business trips or other small exigencies. However, things are different for newly married couples today. It is very common to find couples living separately after marriage. In fact this trend has a new name– Living Apart Together (LAT). LAT refers to couples in a relationship but not necessarily living with their partner. While the term includes couples in a relationship and not necessarily married; it extends to married couples as well and is a distinct phenomenon.  

One could question why you would be married if you are going to be living separately. Several factors seem to be at play. Relationships are increasingly less traditional. Higher studies or career demands may require the couple to spend time apart- many times in different cities. It may occur at any phase of marriage, though it seems to be prevalent in the initial years- which adds to the surprising part of the puzzle. Out of curiosity, I reflected upon this, spoke to couples living apart post marriage and thought more about it.  Here are some things about LAT that could be beneficial -

·         Option of staying apart gives the couple time to find a city with two good jobs or find a good job for a person moving to other person’s city. Neither has to quit their job and take a career break.

·         The idea of introducing some space in the relationship in an attempt to get closer might not be as counterintuitive as it initially sounds. Time apart can be a great way to nurture the two separate selves that make the couple and it can be exciting and interesting to be apart and then come together again. This may be more relevant for couples staying apart after many years of marriage. It may rekindle and re-energize the romance.

·         Research on couples in long-distance relationships has shown that in general, they view their partner more positively, report feeling more romantic love for their partner and spend more time thinking fondly about their relationships.

But like all things in life, there is a trade-off. The common pitfalls are -

·         Couples living apart may have to work doubly hard to make their marriage work. In a long distance relationship, one needs to have a lot of patience because finding time to talk when you are in different states/countries and coordinating schedules just to have a simple date night can seem very difficult.

·         The initial years of marriage require a lot of investment. Living together is a different ball game. One is still discovering the other’s habits, life style and making adjustments each day to make it work. There is more friction especially once the honeymoon period is over. Marriage is all about compromises coming from both partners and physical absence may mean a partial experience only. Too much of “solo” behaviour inhibits sharing and compromise even if together.

·         For couples living apart, after having children it may get trickier. Children are usually left with the mother and fathers are not around to share the responsibilities of parenting thereby putting more pressure on the mother. This can be difficult in today’s set up, considering men and women don’t take up specific gender roles like older days. They usually share household chores, child care and other activities. Living apart makes that complicated.

In all of this, technology plays a very critical role. Harnessing its benefits can make LAT not seem so cumbersome with real time communication and “always on” digital networks. But any amount of technology cannot replace the human touch-which is what makes relationships different and that much harder to nurture and grow. While, every couple will be distinct, their relationship drivers and needs unique, and their personalities varied; a marriage will continue to need quality time, hard work, compromise, and constant learning to grow stronger and last a lifetime. Each of us has to answer whether our LAT fulfils these parameters.

Loved ones as stars in the sky!

Bearing the loss of loved ones is difficult for all of us. It probably is even tougher for a toddler who cannot express himself completely with words. My "brave" son, in his toddler years, lost two of his great grandmothers, in a span of little over a year, and he was extremely close to both of them. I am writing a few lines on these two women, who were years ahead of their generation and played a pivotal role in our lives. This piece will be incomplete without a description of these two great souls.

First I will talk about his maternal great grandmother, i.e. my grandmother fondly called Sheila mummy. Having lived with her for many years under the same roof, I was at the receiving end of her immense love and concern. In spite of losing her husband early, she was a strong pillar of support and used to actively drive our household decisions. In disagreements, she was always willing to hear us out and one could actually have intellectual conversations with her. In spite of being a female hailing from a generation that did not actively support women’s rights, she was educated, rational and progressive. She engendered the right values in her children and her grandchildren. She was and will always remain the glue that holds our entire family together.

Soon after my son was born, her health started deteriorating and she became frail and weak with a fading memory. However, her eyes used to still light up on seeing him and she never forgot to give him a hug. He will always be reminded of being given his first bath and first bite by her. He still has her name in his sub-conscious mind by referring to her room in my parents’ house, as "Sheila mummy's room". When he realised that he would not see her anymore he asked me where she had gone. I replied that she had become a star, looking down upon us always and remaining in our heart forever.

The second loss was that of my son's paternal great grandmother, my husband’s grandmother, whom my son in his Hindi-Tamil mixed language, referred to as "badi pati" (big grandmother).

She led a fulfilled life playing all her roles so beautifully. I particularly saw her as an affectionate mother, loving mother-in-law, doting grandmother and extremely proud great grandmother. She was full of life, enjoying every little moment. While the duration of time I spent with her is limited, I have many special memories with her. Right from the way she greeted me with her "Good morning, Sairam" to how she always made the best coffee I've ever tasted. Consistent and perfect every time. The last movie we watched together will always be special for the child-like manner in which she ate the popcorn. Janaki pati, the lady with a golden heart who touched so many lives, will continue to touch my heart and remain in my memories forever.

My son is lucky to have spent some time with this wonderful person and will hopefully grow up with the same values and teachings that she believed in. As he now believes, badi pati will always be with us in the form of a star. She will continue blessing and showering love onto us.

When a child enters our lives, it's a time to learn and not teach. While our kids cannot express the loss, we should ensure we talk to them about it and explain that the loved ones are gone. Every parent has a different viewpoint. For us, it worked explaining that they have become stars and will stay with us forever. Also, while it may not be possible every day, mention the loved ones in conversations and references, it may be one way to keep them alive forever. Lastly, when you feel your child is ready, help him to move on by subtly explaining that this is the reality of life and the show must go on.

In explaining this to him, I realize that the feelings in our heart, the memories we made will remind me of the great times my son and I had with these two people. If that stays, then in some strange way the person is still with you. Unlike before, when we waited for them to be physically present to talk, now we can talk to them anytime we want. My son and I go out to the terrace often and stare at the night sky to spot our departed loved ones in the stars. They are brightly shining down.

The day I woke up as my 5 year old!

The alarm rang and I woke up from the bed like any other day. My eyes were half closed and my clothes felt a little loose. I thought to myself – Have I finally lost weight overnight? Has the miracle happened towards which I have been working all this while? I smiled to myself and looked in the mirror. Lo and behold, a miracle had happened indeed. I had turned into my five year old son!

We often say we want to get transported back to our childhood. Here was my opportunity to re-live that life. I decided to make the most of it. My husband and I often wished we were growing up in this generation so we could attend modern day schools that seemed more fun than what we attended as children.

I hurriedly went to wake up my husband (or papa as my son called his dad). He exclaimed “Oh baby, you want me to take you to the loo?” I insisted that I don’t want to brush my teeth so papa sweetly offered to do it for me. I enjoyed that pampering. I did my business. Mom was nowhere in sight but that worked well for me. I had papa’s undivided attention. I decided to enjoy this carefree life of a five-year-old thinking that’s the best phase – they can take their parents for a ride. Papa asked me what I wanted for breakfast, I insisted I want chocos. He said no, mumma gave instructions for porridge today. I protested a little with a promise to have that in the evening. So papa agreed and I had all the sugar and calories I could find without any guilt. In addition to a pack of chocos with very little milk, I also negotiated my way through to a few slices of chocolate cake we baked the night before and two chocolate chip cookies

Papa then helped me get ready for school and I told him I want to wear the white t-shirt with Spiderman print which gets dirty so fast but now who cares, I don’t have to wash it. On our way out, we bumped into neighbour aunty. She gave a broad smile and said good morning. I smiled back matching her enthusiasm with my greeting. She then asked me (again) what my name is and started clapping happily when I answered. And as expected that one answer led to a series of questions – which school, class, favourite colour etc. It made me wonder why elders ask the same questions over and over again. Some of which sound so dumb as well like “Oh baby, do you remember me?” – we meet every other week of course I know who you are Mira aunty! And “What’s this drawing you have made?” – I take offense if you cannot make out it’s a cow! Or “Oh look how big you got!” – my parents tried to keep me in a box so I would not grow any more but it clearly didn’t work!

Finally I was in school. The day started with circle time where we spoke about any topic we wanted to. I babbled about the next vacation we are planning and how excited I was about it. Then we did some writing. Soon after we did role play. I was thrilled with the access to new-age toys and had a great time. For snacks, I had a delicious cheese sandwich. We played on swings. The plastic swings nowadays are so much cooler with attractive colours and safety features.

I returned home to have lunch. I had stopped taking afternoon naps long back and was looking forward to playing with play dough and doing some colouring. In the evening I built a new Lego plane. It was so much fun. Papa patiently sat next to me and helped where I needed. I was able to follow instructions given in the booklet and built it mostly on my own. I was super proud of myself and went around and showed my creation, wearing a grin exactly like my 5 year old.

Papa then asked me where I wanted to go in the evening. As a 5 year old I can have all the junk food I want without worrying about calories. So I suggested lets have fries and then go to the ice cream parlour. For dinner I had home-made pizza that I made myself. It turned out really delicious and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Soon after dinner, papa asked me to go to sleep. I said no a little later since it was a holiday the next day but I gave up after a while. I was exhausted being up all day with so much physical activity.

I woke up the next day only to find that I was back as my original self in my own body. I realised this was all probably just a dream. But I had learnt my lesson. That was the most fun day in a long time. Life of 5 year olds can be so much fun provided we don’t stop them from exploring and let kids be kids. Our parents let us live our childhood fairly freely but we as parents of today are probably over involved in our children’s lives, watching their every move.

Childhood memories are the best and we should let them build as many as they can without stopping them at every step. Yes, we need to discipline and give them nutritious food and monitor their behaviour. But a little bit of harmless mischief is okay, a little bit of deviation from routine is acceptable and sometimes having tasty food which is not healthy is fine.  

With these thoughts in my mind, I woke up my 5 year old and asked him what to do you want to today, it being a holiday. So we went to the mall, ate fries, had ice cream, opened a new box of Lego and finally took a stroll down the beach.

I realized how blessed I am to share my home with this little person. One day there won’t be scribblings on the walls, Lego pieces on the floor and toys strewn around the living room. My windows will be clear of sticky handprints, and my home will be quiet because my son will be grown up. Raising small children can be hard, monotonous work. At times it’s physically and emotionally exhausting and we wish they were older to make our life easier. But once they are actually grown up, we will realize how much fun it was seeing them as children in their full splendour enjoying as toddlers in footed pyjamas, reading bedtime stories, enjoying tummy tickles and revelling in elated squeals and laughter.

Childhood is a time for free play and discovery. When we rush children through it, we rob them of an innocent age they will never pass through again. More importantly, we may end up robbing ourselves of precious memories that will become our stories to tell our grandchildren.